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The Lord Knows

It hit me today that the Lord is my shield even when I am wrong. He is the prosecutor and the defense. I’m not always righteous, but even when I’m not, he never fails to defend me any way. Don’t misunderstand me. I think that God always convicts us at our heart’s core when we’ve made a mistake. But we are still defended. Like with this marriage thing, I’m a week into it already, and man I’ve been making mistakes. But knowing how real God is now, well, I don’t think I’d trade that in for anything. Do you know who your defense is?

Disneyland really is the most magical place on earth. Now I know. I was taken when I was a baby, but this was really my first time going. Of course, I had pet peeves. It’s crazy to me how many people are letting their small children operate cell phones. So many kids on their phones, missing the beauty, aka Mickey Mouse, around them. Even the adults are a little too absorbed in it. Justin and I were at the Blue Bayou restaurant the other night which is made to look like you’re literally outside in a bayou. It’s sunny outside the restaurant, you step inside into a lobby area, and taken outside into a dark landscape, with boats floating by on the water, and a giant “moon” filling the sky. It’s quite cool, and I’ll say it again, magical. Justin and I are eating our dinner and enjoying the splendor of it all and I see a family sitting right on the edge of the water, eating. Mother and daughters, it appeared. The mom was talking on her phone for literally minutes, eating and drinking and ignoring what was around her. Now I know, I wasn’t in her shoes. How could I know the whole picture? But all I could think was…this make-believe beautiful moonlit night that we are witnessing right now, is nothing to you. Your back is literally turned to it. Maybe you’ve seen it too many times before, maybe you’re just oblivious. Maybe you’re desensitized. But for me and my husband, its everything.

Anyways, I guess people will be people. Justin and I agreed we want to come back. We even talked about what it would be like to be annual pass holders, or even afford it. What would it be like, to bring our children. Would Justin take our daughter to buy a princess dress at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique? What color would her dress be? Would she wear an Indiana Jones style hat as a part of her ensemble, to be just like her dad? Justin sure does love his hat.

Needless to say, it was hard to leave, at least for me. I know I complained a lot on the trip about the crowds of people and all the walking, chafing thighs, sunburn, annoying mothers not paying attention to their children, or helping them wash their hands in the bathroom (hello! what did you have a kid for? I want to help him, but what if I’m accused of being a perve? In this day and age…) etc. etc. and I do have an issue with complaining. Lord, please help me.

I had a bad dream this morning about going back to work. I wore these frayed denim shorts to my job, with a lab coat. I was super late for my shift, and brought a bunch of things we are not allowed to bring into the lab, like a purse, and other clutter. I was so not prepared. More than likely, work will go fine this week. I definitely won’t show up in jean shorts. But the thought of going back….maybe it is time to look for something more. It’s just so hard to get that fire beneath me to go and do it. But my therapist Alicia is always asking me Annie, what will make you happy? What honors you? And I’ve gotta figure that out. Somehow.

What honors me?