I feel like I’ve gotten a lot done today.
I did the dishes, vacuumed, took the garbage out. I worked out and I still need to clean my bathroom which is my least favorite part of course. Tonight we are going to church and then what else, who knows.
The other day at Subway someone who works there asked me where my Prince Charm was. It took me a moment to register what that meant. I made her repeat herself. She said Prince Charm again. Oh, Prince Charming. She meant Justin. I guess people are used to seeing us together all the time. I kind of like that though, Prince Charm. It fits him.
I’ve been struggling a lot with living in the present and what that is supposed to look like. If some awesome conversation is not being had I start to think something is wrong, quick to judge, quick to become irritated. I keep trying to remember that contentment is a journey and not a destination. I can say things like oh, I’ll be happy. Sure, I’ll be happy. I’ll be happy when I no longer live with my mom or in this crowded apartment complex. I’ll be happy when I have my own parking spot. I’ll be happy when my dad initiates contact and it isn’t up to me. I’ll be happy when I get an engagement ring and when I don’t have to lay awake at night afraid because I don’t have someone to cling to. I’ll be happy when I can be on my own with Justin and see him every day. Then I can live in the now.
But I know that none of that is true. I also know that getting the things I want will require at least, a certain degree of growing up. Maybe that’s the worst of it. I’m not much of a grower.
It’s hard to keep a good attitude when you feel pressed down and shaken from side to side. I told Justin earlier today one day I will look back on my life and see what a privilege it was for me to bear someone else’s burden, and not a chore. But now that I think about it again, I think that one day I’ll look back on my life and really see those who were bearing my burdens for me, and that will really put things into perspective.