Long Lost Dreams

It’s weird when your parents divorce. It’s not that you feel sorry for yourself or even that it makes you see the world differently. It just changes things. It changes things when change has been a long time coming.
I have not done much online writing in some time, although I have been good about keeping an actual journal. I write a lot about relationships and work but other than that, not much. I was told by friends keeping a written journal would help me see and communicate with God better. I wonder if that’s true.
I think we all have a different idea of what bettering ourselves for Christ looks like. We have freedom in Jesus, so even though were free to sin, we should strive to be more like God and well, not sin. Better ourselves for His sake. But I really think a lot of  us are missing the point.
I was wondering this morning, what does that actually look like? Because I don’t think being more like Jesus is being more perfect. I don’t think it’s not eating cake for breakfast or not saying Fuck on a regular basis. I just don’t. I really don’t. 
All of us belong. We belong somewhere in the body of Christ. Not because of something we do or do not do but because of how Jesus transforms and renews us on a day to day to day to day…to day basis.
I’m 23 years old and I don’t know where I belong. But I do know that I do. Can you begin to understand?
Love takes on so many forms, man. Lying, sleeping, waking.
My mom came to me earlier and she said she threw my tights in the wash with black dye so they’d stay black.
Justin brought me coffee yesterday afternoon. He came back to work, after he’d already left work, to appease me and my caffeine needs.
Dad sent me money for a pizza on one of my days off a few weeks ago.
If I have learned anything this year it’s that love is the anchor to the soul and the greatest anchor is Christ.
No, not even I am exempt.
But I am sad. I feel the weight of long lost dreams that I don’t remember having. I’ve been awake for 5 minutes too long and they begin to become foggy.
I never knew that God loved me as much as He did, and does, until I saw the freedom He gave me to choose, and the hunger  I feel for Him, without Him. Oh to meet someone who hungers this way, too.
Maybe that’s what this year was for, in the Christian hemisphere. To work up an appetite. To hunger again, even to the point of tears of frustration.
Some will understand that. Some will not. But there is still love.

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