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Dead Space

I don’t know if anyone knows how they feel about anything. Other than the basic needs–hunger, the need for sleep, the need for sex, the need for ___. When it comes to love and things of that nature, it’s kind of just a blip. When I was younger, it wasn’t so. But now that I’m older, it is.

Some times I find myself asking God, God, can you show me how I feel for real about this or that? But then I take a step back and I kind of ask myself, okay Annie, if you need to ask God how you feel because you’re not sure, maybe the fact of the matter is you’re just not sure.

If you have to ask anyone for any kind of validation, I mean, whether on who you are or what you do or who you’re with, I seriously question what you’re even sure of.

What am I even sure of, any more?

I hate feeling confused.

I had to go to the police department earlier downtown so I could get my finger prints taken for a volunteer position in Tahoe this summer. The man doing the procedure was an older gentleman, but not super old. He was doing the job by himself. He had a bright countenance, friendly, easy-to-talk to. I watched as the people whom he dealt with were not like him at all.

This young woman who couldn’t have been older than me asked him, well, how long is this going to take? And he told her honestly it could be awhile. There was a line, it was right before rush hour, he was the only person doing the job. He didn’t tell her these things, but anyone with a brain could’ve seen it was clear.

I got home and here I am, still thinking about the nice man. People were making faces, shuffling their feet, checking their phones. No one liked waiting. But it was what it was. Do you understand?

Life, too, is also this way. I got off my phone and enjoyed watching everybody else. I enjoyed watching that nice man, and how he dealt with the day. I wonder if I, too, can be like that at my job.

Sure, you’re impatient as hell, but this is what we’ve got, and this is how it is, so would you like to pay with cash or check?

Attitude really is everything.

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