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And, We’re Back

I was driving by the local gym earlier with a box of donut holes in my lap and I couldn’t help but think to myself,

“Sucks to be you suckers!”

As I watched people going in and out, sweating and/or ready to sweat. I had my donut holes, it was all good. I went home.

I’m almost 23 years old and I’m living in my mom’s living room. So there’s that.

I got dumped recently. So there’s that too.

Life’s strange. I planned this move for awhile, and in my head I pictured myself at the end of the road–somehow beginning this new, unseen road. Like in Indiana Jones when Indie crossed the invisible bridge, which he crossed by faith. He didn’t know it was there so first it was like he was killing himself. There was literally nothing to walk on…but he knew better.

And so do I. But life is still stranger still.

I don’t think God is ever as disappointed in us as we are in ourselves. That occurred to me recently. I feel as though I’m once again a child, waiting for some form of entertainment to come my way and amuse me for a time…and then I’m onto the next thing. Day by day by day by day by day and brick by brick by brick by brick by brick I feel this subliminal message in me that’s like saying:

(experience)

Brick by brick by brick. Every day I feel them stacking up on each other. The experience building. But I don’t know what it’s all for. What it’s all working towards.

People say to put yourself out there. Make friends. Get involved.

Well, okay, sure. Don’t undervalue the power of friendship or involvement. But like, can you even stand your own company? That’s what I want to know.

When Quanah and I first started talking a lot (and I mean a lot a lot) I remember he was texting me when I was watching Clueless at my aunt’s house. He texted me “rollin’ with the homies” and I started laughing ’cause hey I got the reference and as I type this I hope you do, too. But you get to the end of the movie and the people who are supposed to be together like, finally are, right? And they start to play the song Tenderness as the credits roll. I was listening to that song and thinking of Quanah texting me and us talking back and forth and I got this feeling like, that was our song or something gay like that.

That was our song.

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