I’ve realized about myself lately that I spend a lot of time writing about writing. When I’m writing poetry, it’s all preliminary stuff for my blog. My blog is preliminary stuff for poetry. These two together are the prelims for something much greater, a larger piece I’ve been working on since I moved here, and even now it has not revealed itself to me. What it is, what it would like to be called. It comes and it goes. It is its own being, unto itself. It lets me know when it has something to say and when it is silent, it won’t be bothered by me. It won’t be troubled to speak when it cannot. I am subject to its beck and call, its every urge, and whim.
Is writing like that at all for you, too?
I kind of think, all of us have this idea of who we’d like to be, and I can’t help but wonder if as the days pass, as summer ends and what-do-you-know now it’s fall, were getting closer to who we want to turn into or if were kind of regressing.
What if a butterfly came out of her cocoon and instead of being a butterfly she was a crocodile? Maybe the whole, wide world would be shocked except for her.
I don’t know. I’ve been doing more sit-ups but, I kinda feel fatter. I decided to get bangs, and now I can’t see my eyebrows.
Some times I hear people talk about counting their blessings because it makes their life more livable. But then I think, if you have to count the things you’re blessed with, you’re not that blessed at all, are you? It’s like when you know you have pennies stuck at the bottom of your purse. Underneath all the crap, the six different lipsticks if you are me, the sadly, one lip liner, receipts and tampons and pens and the one broken earring. You gotta sift through all of it just to get to the change.
It’s so pretty, here in San Diego. It gets so hot outside, like today, to the point where we are literally all like “I’m dyin’ guys!” and then just like that, the fever breaks, and the rain comes. And even when it doesn’t, we have a few hot ones and then bam–fall is here. All of our bitchin’ is done away with. And then were too cold.
In Arizona it wasn’t like that. I don’t talk about that life very often. I guess Arizona for me was like the Overlook Hotel for Danny. In AZ we’d have months and months of heat and it never let up. It kind of became this thing that everyone who lived there just dealt with. Actually, it never really became anything. It couldn’t have become something if it had always been something. There was no let up from the heat.
I don’t think anybody enters into life thinking they want to run away from their problems. There’s that old saying,
“When the going gets tough the tough get going”
which, I have no idea originated from. I could probably Google it but, that’s besides the point.
I think especially in the Christian hemisphere we are sort of taught that when life gets tough we need to be tough because love is tough and love is Jesus and if anyone is tough, well, it’s Him.
But I’ve been wrestling with this idea for a few days now, going back and forth. Let’s recap:
So if I deal with my problems head on, even if I feel like I’m drowning, I’m technically a winner. However, I would be a loser, if I ran away. Why? Because that would show how little faith I have in my God. Right?
I was hopping in the shower yesterday and I was thinking (for whatever reason, go figure guys, shower thoughts are weird) about Moses. Now, this guy had quite a journey of a life. You might say technically the adventure started at his birth, but for the sake of this blog entry, we’ll say the catalyst for it was when he killed a guy and ran off into the desert.
He completely and utterly ran away. The reasons why aren’t important. The fact is he did.
But God. But God man! God met him on the other side.
And when that happens, when He meets you, that’s when life really begins.
comes to mind right now. Don’t ask me why, I have no idea, but there it is.
A friend told me recently to “do something fun” and I realized, it’s possible I may be so intense and going so hard right now that I’m not sure what fun is. I mean, I have some ideas. I feel like fun would be seeing the ninja turtles movie, and sneaking Carl’s Jr. in my purse. Fun might be jumping off the cliffs over at Sunset Cliffs, right by the water. Fun might include a person, place, or thing. Or it might just be a state of mind.
Are you having fun yet? Are you gettin’ it while the gettins’ good?
I mean what is life really all about if we are not having any fun in between all the going to work and paying bills and sleeping in and listening to people argue. That’s not a question, more like a rhetorical thought.
I’m getting ready to watch a 2 part mini-series about Harry Houdini on the History channel with my little cousin. No, he’s not so little any more, and I have said that before and I’m just repeating myself for no reason.
I wonder if when Jesus was alive if He had anything fun He liked to do. Was it really just all retreating to desolate places and praying but then not getting to pray because He had to heal somebody who needed healin’ and then when He wasn’t healin’ He was walking to the next town over to eat in a stranger’s home and then do it all again the next day? I mean like, what about everything else?
What if He liked skinny-dipping in the moonlight? Or staying up late and making Indian calls with his disciples? Maybe they had their own version of Jenga back then. I don’t know.