Do This Not That

In the book of Mark it talks about how, as Jesus hung on the cross those that looked from the ground said something along the lines of,

“Oh, if only He saved himself right now, then I would believe He is the Son of God.”

They wanted Jesus to do one more thing then one more thing then one more thing after that, to prove who He was. I am not so sure that even if Jesus met this to-do list that they would’ve believed Him anyway. I mean, I have lists too. Sometimes I find myself thinking,

“Oh, Lord. If I wasn’t alone any more and just one person made me feel special, then I would be okay. Then I’d believe in you some more. Maybe if I could believe in you, I could believe in me, too. Lord, you know how when you meet someone and you had no idea you were looking for them until you met them? That person. If I knew them, I’d believe you, like for sure.”

But would I really? What I believe right now is what I believe right now. This is it.

“If you get yourself off that cross right now, I will believe Jesus, I really will.”

Will you?

Likewise, when one of Jesus’ followers approached Pontius Pilate, desiring to collect Jesus’ dead body, the Word says that Pilate was “surprised” Jesus was dead. Oh, so He DID die. Well, shit. I didn’t see that one coming.

Pilate was surprised Jesus was dead. Would he be surprised at his death if he thought Jesus was just an every day guy? No. Every day men died all the time. They still do. He believed in Jesus, sure. But it didn’t define his life in any way shape or form. We could say this is because Pilate didn’t believe in himself, but I believe it goes beyond that. I don’t believe Pilate believed he was a good a man, even though Jesus made Him feel like he could be. If you don’t believe you are who the Lord says you are, then who are you really? Like, do you even know?

Do you know who you are?


The Shining

I’m worried I won’t sleep tonight.

I’ve been taking melatonin for the past few days to give me sort of a kick-start to bed. It works, but I’m a little leery of getting addicted to a hormone.

There’s this pit in my stomach and where it comes from I know not where and where it goes after it’s gone I know not where. I only know that it’s times like these I wish my mom was here to bury me inside of her and let me feel nothing and let me know nothing.

I begin to realize that I cannot cut people off. I cannot sample once and then, quite the epicurean, move on. I look at all the people I have known in life and the few people I know currently and how in some small way I think I have attached myself to each of them. Not like a leech, but in a different way. I have this habit of getting deep inside of people. I crawl my way in and claw my way around their insides, poking this and that, just for fun. I try to find where the hurt is inside of them and then take one of my own pieces to give to them instead. Because I am not broken. I am happy and whole and blooming.

Until I’m not. Until I hurt, just as much as they do. Until my insides are coated black and fleshy and swollen and I need a healer before my own flame that lights me up on a day to day basis gets snuffed out.


The Eye

I’ve been feeling a bit MIA lately regarding blogging and all creative things.

One of the things I’ve come across in my studies of the eyeball lately which I think is so cool is this “miracle of sight” which we all seem to have. In the ABO study guide for opticians, it talks about how it is legitimately a miracle that any of us can see at all because eyeballs are not like the rest of our body–pumping blood and oxygen, with all that valve-y stuff. Basically, when it comes to the eye, scientists are like,

“Well, we got nothing. It just is and we just are.”

You can’t explain a miracle.

The other interesting tidbit to note about the eye is that it will do all these different things to try and repair itself, for YOUR benefit. You know how when bones break, the bones will just heal over time? Yeah you can go to the doc but what is he basically going to tell you to do? Give it time to heal itself. Eyes are similar. If your eyes fail to create fusion–where two images come together to create one–one eye will literally shut itself down just to give its power to the other eye, to save you from seeing double.

The body wants to heal.

So I’ve been thinking about this and all the stupid shit I make time to do in a week and how overwhelming it is sometimes just to be alive and how really, if you want to be frank then I will be earnest for a second, ok?–

All kinds of people follow the Lord.

Even me.


Bats’ Wings

The coffee pot was percolating earlier and I was thinking,

“ok, now is a good time to go and write,”

but it didn’t happen. I’m here now, watching the Hobbit and trying to stay awake.

My mom told me that in order for she and dad to get me to start walking as a baby they had to bribe me with a piece of chocolate.

“Little girl, if you want this chocolate, you can walk for it.”

My birthday is tomorrow and without meaning to write some boring reflective and dippy piece about my life thus far and what’s happened and what hasn’t and who I am and what the meaning of life is–the chocolate story sums it up nicely. My dad was holding me up so I had my balance and mom was standing across from me and she had the chocolate and man, I let go of dad and I went for it.

Life has been like that ever since. I see it, I take it. I’m steadily realizing that the things I take cannot be taken without the Lord first giving them to me. My birthday is tomorrow, and I want to share a thought.

When it finds me, I am talking to a friend. I have a cup in my hand, some drink or another. I am full of laughter. It taps me on the shoulder,

“Oh there you are!”

That’s what I say to it. Oh, there you are.

So it is, with love.


Chasing Tails

Whenever I come home lately I feel as though there’s always one more thing I have to do before I can do the things I want to do. One more thing, one more thing, one more thing. In the end I think I just lay in bed or on the couch surfing on my phone or looking for new clothes online. I’ve been blessed so abundantly lately and yet, I feel as though I’m stranded on an island.

I’m stranded on an island trying to make a fort out of sticks. Every time I get it to stand up, the damn thing falls over.

I’m tense and I’m frustrated. I was thinking about how when two people exchange wedding vows there’s always that “till death do us part” line when really it’s not even that. It’s just until death does us.

Do you understand?

I wonder if anyone really knows what it’s going to take to make them happy. Is it a person, place, or thing? I’m not talking about sex or new shoes or remodeling or fellowship with believers.

What is going to make you happy?

I kind of feel like we’ve all got it embedded in us somehow that we are to be these animals chasing our tails from dusk to dawn. But when do we ever just sit? Not biting your nails or wringing your hands. Not tossing and turning or putting of sleep until an hour before your alarm goes off.

Do you ever just be?



I got a new ride yesterday. It’s funny how suited this car is to all my needs and wants, without me realizing it was when I got it. I was so focused on getting a car that functioned properly and got me from point A to point B without blowing up, without spending a fortune, that I didn’t realize all the fun things about it. I can sync it to my phone so I can listen to my music whenever I feel like it. I can change the lights on the inside of the car to different colors like purple or blue or red or green. I drove my car to my dad’s house earlier to pick up my insurance cards, because I’m still under my dad’s insurance (womp womp womp) and even afterwards, with it being my day off and all, I tried to think of all the possible places I could drive my car because I didn’t want to get out of it. But I couldn’t think of anywhere. I couldn’t think of any place I could go, without spending  money or anything. The dealer I met with yesterday asked me,

“Do you ever just drive around, not knowing where you’re going, just to lose track of time? Because you just want to drive?”

Well no. No, I don’t. I wish I was that woman. I don’t know how to just get lost. I’m too afraid of losing time. Or not knowing how to use my time or whatever. Am I the only person like this?

I was reading in the Word earlier the parable about the tenants. You know, the people who were staying at the vineyard who obviously didn’t want to leave. I say “obviously” because every time the owner sent a person to go and collect from the vineyard, that person, whether it be a beloved son or a servant, would be killed by the tenants. The Word says that this person would not just be killed, but that he’d be killed shamefully.

I don’t think the tenants were stupid. I think they knew very well they didn’t own the vineyard (I mean, duh) and that they were, after all, just tenants. They were leasing a space. But that didn’t stop them from acting the way they did.

What is my point?

I guess I’ve been wondering lately where and if I ever feel a sense of false entitlement in my life. To take it a step further, do I know what belongs to the Lord? Do I know what belongs to me? Have I drawn the line?

Sure, some men just like to watch the world burn. Granted. I am probably one of them. But that aside, I just can’t believe that the tenants didn’t know in their hearts that the vineyard didn’t belong to them. They’d have to go. If they didn’t have to leave beforehand, surely they’d have to leave now, since they were killing people and all. I mean, that’s kind of a deal breaker. But when it comes to sin, you can’t stop.

I can’t stop.

Abba Father, forgive us.