There are certain aspects of life that have made me feel like…
a jury, judge, and executioner all in one.
I don’t really feel that way any more. But the feeling that never leaves is this need to get a rush, at whatever means possible. Sometimes it’s like I can’t stop and that’s the thing that scares me. The words that leave my mouth before I can even think of what I’m saying.
Sometimes all the words add up in my head and they continue to tally. I think of the person I’d tell all those words to if I could, and how I will, when they’re not so busy or they come around again. But the days pass and as the days pass so do the words. I can only keep the tally going for so long.
Until I let it go.
It’s funny how I almost never think of Arizona until something reminds me of the opposite of it. I was laying in bed last night and there was light peering into my room from the window. It was like, 2 in the morning and I looked out the window up at the sky and it wasn’t even dark. Like, not really. It just doesn’t get dark here. In Arizona it got dark outside, in the desert. Like, you knew it was night. When it’s night here, you don’t really know.
So I see my life falling into step and into this pattern of living and it scares me, because I don’t really know if I like where things are going. I think I look at God sometimes and ask Him,
“Do I have a say in any of this?”
and he’s kind of just like,
Of course I do. I mean, I could stop it all at any time. I don’t think it’s the hope for something *better* that keeps me going. It’s different than that.
In the book of Mark, Jesus approached this 12-year old that everyone thought was dead. He looked at her and he said,
“Little girl, I say to you, arise.”