Girl With a Pearl Earring

What are you living for?

What are you suffering for?

The same scenery day after day can begin to look different if only you look through another set of eyes.

What are you striving for?

Theses are questions I ask myself as I sit awake at night on the computer, listening to the dryer go on and on and stare at the fingerprints all over my laptop screen.

What are you living for? Is it a person, place, or thing? Is it not noun-y at all? Is it something spiritual? Is it that time of the month when you’re not on your period? Is it that time of night when you’re sitting on the hood of your car, alone, watching a lunar eclipse? Maybe you won’t be alone for the next one. Then again…maybe you will. But if so you’ll still live for that time. I live for times, like that.

I’ve been sick this past week and so the days kind of all mesh together. The days kind of do that anyway, honestly, being sick or not. But this past week I’ve really needed my mom. Cue the dramatic violin and give me an onion to slice but really–it’s just not fair. Living far apart from someone you love. Not even that. Someone who gets you–I mean, really gets you. It’s like they look at you and they discover you and then they show you, YOU. And you’re like oh…I didn’t know I looked like that. I didn’t know I could do that. Or I was already doing that. Not, until you showed me.

Love enables me. It kick starts my morning. It’s the spring in my step. It’s my winged eyeliner. It’s my job performance. It’s my playlist on my Spotify. Love is and always will be–everything.

But when I have no love left, none in reserve, not even for myself. When the backup supply of my backup supply of love is all gone and done away with, what then?

It makes me want to close the windows and lock all the doors and close the curtains and cover all the mirrors. Some days, it’s just too much.

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