I’m sitting here on my bed typing and talking to my kitty, Ruby. She’s meowing and purring and telling me how hard her life is. Sleeping all day, waking up, sitting in the windowsill watching the cars drive by. Waiting for me to get home, snacking.
It sounds like a tough life, doesn’t it?
I don’t know what it’s going to take to make me happy. I am frustrated and fickle and say I’ll do something when I won’t. I’m trying to hold onto the fact that God is the great I Am. But lately I see through a mirror, darkly. Imagine walking around with a fog inside of you that spreads out from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. And then for good measure you put on a pair of dirty sunglasses that have ketchup on them from In N’ Out and you just haven’t cleaned them because you know, life’s busy and you ain’t about that.
At my Bible study we’ve been talking about Jesus and the disciples. This week were supposed to read Matthew 26 which talks about Jesus being betrayed by Judas. I thought about Judas and how like, he was just so doubtful of Jesus and who He was. I wonder if things would have been different if he had just said to Jesus from the beginning:
“Hey, I don’t believe in what you’re doing. I don’t understand it. Why are you letting things get out of hand? Why not do this instead? I don’t get it. You know, I have my doubts about you and who you say you are.”
I think simply by admitting this, Jesus would have more than met Judas half way. Doubt wasn’t the problem. Disbelief wasn’t the problem. It was zero communication with God. I think that hurt Jesus the most. The fact that Judas, after all that adventuring together, just couldn’t say what he was feeling and thinking. I think that hurt Jesus more than Judas’ disbelief and doubt because let me be frank, and you guys can be earnest:
Us too. We’re all thinking the same thing. What the hell is God doing? Who is this Jesus? Who is this Messiah?
I want to know, man. I gotta know.