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Anten

There are two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who give life, and those who take life away.

There are those who start the fires, and those that put them out–to quote Lemony Snicket.

I was thinking this morning about this guy back in Arizona. On my way to Wildflower almost every day I’d stop by the Starbucks across the street from work. One of the baristas there soon knew me by name and my order by heart. Iced coffee, light ice, half and half with classic. He was cute, yes, but also bright and the type of person to enjoy talking to you. You didn’t have to talk back. Or try.

I came in one day on my day off because of my expensive coffee habit and I remember I wore a blue dress and it was really hot out that day. It was summer time in AZ and well, let’s just say I don’t miss those. My hair was shorter. I remember Anten saw me walk through that door and he knew me. Plain and simple. He didn’t smile, at first. But in front of customers and co-workers he just stood there and was like,

“Wow. You’re just beautiful.”

And I didn’t know what to say. I left, still not knowing what to say. I remember I told my mom about it 5 minutes later via a text message in my car and I was literally like, Mom, I got nothing.

I went back to Starbucks later that night for another coffee I didn’t need and I told Anten just that–this is totally a coffee I don’t need.

“I just want to talk to you. Is that strange?”

And he smiled when I asked him that. He said it wasn’t strange and he asked for my number and that was that.

Okay, so after that we didn’t really talk any more. I probably tanked it as I have a tendency to do. However, I want to come back to my first point.

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those that start fires. Those that put them out. Those that give life. Those that take life away.

Anten is the kind of guy who gives life.

What about you? And, what about me?

In the book of Matthew, chapter 19, there’s a rich, young guy who tells Jesus he wants eternal life. Jesus responds, “Ok. I’ll tell you how you can enter life.”

Notice that Jesus doesn’t say, “Okay, sure. Let’s get you eternal life.”

He starts with life, in general. General life. Are you guys following me here?

Jesus gives life. Not just the now and forever ominous mysterious scary futuristic extra planet life. He wants to give you a life PERIOD. He wants us to enter life.

He wants me to enter life. Marvelous….marvelous life.

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Die Jeans

Lately I’ve been realizing my purpose in life.

A psychologist, a teacher. A scientist, a politician.

More than that–or maybe less than that–a hostess of a party.

Since I was born my life has been this party. I’ve made sure everyone has their drinks, chips, and dip. People feel good. And yet…

Well, and yet. I’ll quit there.

My mom says it’s a rare thing to make people feel loved. I don’t know. Getting older is funny. You realize that the laundry won’t do itself. The holes in your jeans won’t go away because your mom isn’t around and it’s up to you to plug your own damn holes. Dinner won’t make itself. Lo, even after a full day at work, it will not. Kitty needs litter. And you realize…well, I realize. That I can’t afford to be beautiful. That He is the potter, and I am the clay. Some people you do love forever and you carry that weight. Even if you’re busy or high or in church or out of church or with your family or by yourself.

You’re gonna carry that weight.

Now, to bypass some of the jabberwocky jargon. Here are some pictures of jeans I fixed today:

 
 
 
  Taken in at the sides
 
So after much over analysis I realize these jeans are quite boy-ish and baggy. I’ve had a couple people tell me they’re ugly and not to wear them. But as you all know, if you tell me not to do something…well. 🙂
 
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Phrases

 

I’ve been hearing a lot of words and phrases in my head lately. I’m not sure if they are meant to bless anyone or not. But here on the blog, they shall go! Discernment….and onward.

‘Gamma radiation’

‘What would you like?’

‘Gregarious’

‘Vehement’ and even ‘Venereal’ and EVEN ‘Vesuvius’

‘you know where you hope this train will take you, but you can’t be sure’ = new road

There are others but these ones are the most frequent.

I am on my toes for God.

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Be My Frankenstein

I’m one of those people who is always lonely, to be frank, because I’m a bit of a loner. That being said, I really did enjoy my time traveling this past week.

I took the train up to Folsom to go see my mom. I think God kept making the effort to talk to me while all I was thinking was, “Can I just be there already? Sure California drought is gorgeous and all but so is my mom.”

I keep feeling like something in me has changed but I haven’t been able to put my fingers on what that is. Yes, fingers, because who would put just one finger on something? But anywho–it’s not the clothes I wear or my desperate desire to love and be loved. It’s not my calling to be a make-up artist or a soup connoisseur.

Do you know that in the Bible the word charity and the word love are basically interchangeable? I didn’t think so but apparently there you go. I think God’s been pretty charitable with me, lately. No one likes to be thought of like a charity case but you know with God I kind of don’t mind.

I was sitting downstairs in the lounge of the train watching everything outside just pass me by. Me, pass it by. You know?

I’d never felt so lonely. I’d never felt so peaceful.

I’ve been living life like the sky is going to swallow me whole but I’ve had it backwards. I’m the one who’s meant to swallow the sky. Do you follow me?

Something’s changed. It’s not the Diet Coke t-shirt. Or the memory foam pillow.

The clock’s ticking, in a good way.

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Some Days

You just need a day.

Today I thought of everything. And nothing.

I stayed in pajamas. I cooked. I came back down to earth and realized some truths about me.

That I am not pretty. I am not social.

But I am still loved by those who love me.

I witnessed a strange thing on my way to the bank today. There was a homeless man with a sign that said: “It’s ok to smile :)” and I got to thinking. You know it’s hard enough for us to look one another in the eye. It’s even harder to look homeless people–anyone in need, really–in the eye. But I don’t want to be like that. When I look at people I want to really look at them.

For the rest of the day I thought of marriage to one in particular. I thought of owning a tambourine. I found this picture:

 
I look at it and I think how incredible it is. Then I wondered, what’s the story behind it? I bet it’s romantic. Ajax and Kassandra.
 
Come to find out it’s just the story about a dude raping a girl. Welp, so much for that. I still really love the picture.
 
Some days, you just need a day.
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Love

I was thinking the other day while taking a shower (where many of my revelations take place) and this idea about love occurred to me that I wanted to briefly share.

Love is not going  to the same church together. Having gone to the same high school. It’s not where you both work at Cost Plus World Market. It’s not having known each other since *forever*. It’s not a dance floor in a club. Or a couch at your friend’s house.

Love is deciding. People together because they want to be. Sherlock and Irene Adler. It’s not logical.

It just is, because we just are. 

I don’t know if the love I described is actually real or just a thought in the shower while I shave my legs. Maybe it’s a love that’s only available in the next life. Maybe it’s not attainable while I’m still young and beautiful.

Just some food for thought.