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Lately

Lately I’ve been thinking of my own depravity.

Of going home.

My dad told me today that the reason there was a weird air between my Grandma and me recently is because she thinks when I go to visit my mom next month I won’t come back again. I’ll only be gone a few days, in reality. I think it’s interesting how afraid she is that I could decide to stay in Sacramento. Maybe it’s because I belong there.

I’ve been thinking of my own depravity. The whirlwind I’ve been in and how every night it comes to me and sucks me dry and I let it as long as I’m a little less restless than I was before it came. I stayed home tonight and watched a movie in bed with my cat. I ate things that were my favorite flavor. I didn’t dry my hair when I got out of the shower. It just was what it was.

I’ve been thinking lately and remembering. What is it to be still? I mean, serenely still. Be still in the silence or be still in the noise but be completely still. Don’t fidget. Don’t walk away.

Wait.

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