Lately I’ve been thinking of my own depravity.
Of going home.
My dad told me today that the reason there was a weird air between my Grandma and me recently is because she thinks when I go to visit my mom next month I won’t come back again. I’ll only be gone a few days, in reality. I think it’s interesting how afraid she is that I could decide to stay in Sacramento. Maybe it’s because I belong there.
I’ve been thinking of my own depravity. The whirlwind I’ve been in and how every night it comes to me and sucks me dry and I let it as long as I’m a little less restless than I was before it came. I stayed home tonight and watched a movie in bed with my cat. I ate things that were my favorite flavor. I didn’t dry my hair when I got out of the shower. It just was what it was.
I’ve been thinking lately and remembering. What is it to be still? I mean, serenely still. Be still in the silence or be still in the noise but be completely still. Don’t fidget. Don’t walk away.
I think its in the book of Colossians that Paul makes a reference to peace and says it is
“to which you were called”.
I confess I’ve been living without peace for a long time. I take responsibility for that. However, you guys know that statement “Time always heals the pain”?
There are two situations in my life I do not see time healing. I see time making these two things grow older. But not heal.
Recently I realized that the worst of the pain is here. I can try to numb it and forget it or I can face it head on. If I forget it then what will I have learned? What will I have gained, if I just walk away?
I think sometimes we think its all been taken away. All our hopes and all our dreams. They’ve all been taken away so we need to go and create new ones. But what if old dreams really don’t die at all? I kind of think that Satan just likes to put them behind his back and make you think he’s shoved ’em down the garbage disposal but he doesn’t really have that power. Not really.
Maybe there is no cure for that. But how will you know for sure if you face away from the sun? And that’s the thing about sunflowers. They always face the sun. That way they don’t miss a thing.
Do you follow?
So I suppose the hipster in me doesn’t believe in making a New Year’s Resolution because
a) you’re just gonna fail at keeping it and
b) why can’t we just resolve to make changes all year round? Honestly, I think the 1st of the year is kind of just an excuse to do stuff we wouldn’t do otherwise. But what if it wasn’t like that? What if we aspired to cook more–lose weight–shop organic, all the time?
So without further ado here are some of my aspirations for this year (hey, they gotta go somewhere).
My grandparents got me a Soup cookbook for Christmas–back in November. My grandmother gently told me I need to learn how to cook for myself some time (before I’m in my 30’s) and really, how hard is it to mess up soup? It all goes in one pot anyway. Well, I think there is some wisdom in that. I can’t have McDonald’s every day (thank you, California) and there ain’t a damn thing wrong with being a little more self-sufficient.
Another Christmas gift I received–twice, actually–was a Hello Kitty sewing machine. One from my grandma and one from my mom. Again, approaching the topic of self-sufficiency, it would be nice to know if I needed a new purse I could just…ahem, make it. And doing it with Hello Kitty would make it more enjoyable. She’d keep me calm when I lose my shit over a broken thread. 🙂
Finally, take better care of my car. Sheila the Shaggin’ Wagon is getting up there in years and I was kind of awful at car maintenance with my last two cars, so this time I want to do better. That’s actually what I’m getting ready to do right now…and obviously stalling. I’m always afraid to go to the mechanic, the same way I’m afraid to go to the doctor. “Do I have mono?” is right up there with “Um…how much is this going to cost me?”
My little cousin is watching Scooby Doo in the other room and I’m sitting here sipping my coffee and watching the minutes go by.
So begins 2014.
As my blogging has ceased recently, so has all of my former senses of propriety, control, and morality. I don’t know guys….I’ve been on a kick. We’ll call it that.
There’s something therapeutic about blogging. You see your life for what it is–whatever it is–before you, and you have a better idea of where to go from there. I’ve missed that.
The most common misconception about blogging is that you have nothing to say. Often I think I have nothing to say because well…let’s be honest. I don’t go to school (the enemy) and I don’t go to church (also the enemy) and when I look at my Recently Watched list on YouTube it mostly consists of cat and otter videos so I mean really, do I have much to say?
Well, yeah. Maybe some day I will look back at what I’ve written and miss who I was. Or maybe I’ll be grateful I’m not this girl any more…but anyway. Let’s overthink together, shall we? 🙂
“Even then……I felt His voice take the sword out of my hand.”–Judah Ben-Hur