Aches and Pains

I woke up to go to church this morning and I just didn’t have it in me to go. I called up my Grandpa, told him not to pick me up, and attempted to sleep in. Some days you need that. I don’t know if I needed it today or not…but some days I just give up.

There are some things I’m working on letting go of simply because I don’t see any fruit for that which I believe in. Well, I’m trying to let go (isn’t it Yoda who said “Do or do not. There is no try.”?)but it hurts. Maybe in this way I can let go of what I’m supposed to and receive what I’m meant to. This year has been full of aches and pains in and outside of the heart. I feel defeated, but one thing God has mentioned to me several times lately is not to depend on how I feel but on every word of God.

I feel as though I’m working more and more and I’m excited but also stressed. It’s funny how quickly Cost Plus has become a routine for me. I feel like I’ve always worked there when I haven’t. I’m looking to do more at the job and build there. I feel like the Lord has made it so I find favor there, and I’m very blessed for this.

Should I stay or should I go? That’s been a heavy question on my heart lately. I am praying to see if I’m meant to stay in San Diego for a time, and how long that time may be. I really would like to get my own space just so I can have my own room again, and so Ruby (zee kitty) could roam freely. I miss my mom, who lives in Sacramento, but I don’t know if I’ll ever live near her or not. It’s funny how a life just sneaks up on you.

I feel like I avoid mirrors these days. Not because I’m ugly and ratchet. But because I don’t know who this chick is any more! Seriously, the year is almost over and I have no idea. I feel like the person who’s meant to love everyone and give them joy–those are my gifts, love and joy–but who never feels loved in return. I’ve had a reoccurring dream lately. Every time I have it seems really risqué…and probably not something you blog about (lol) but it symbolizes my feelings about life. Tired. Barren. Needing love and release.

But there I go again with my feelings.

The only constant in life is change.

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