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No More

No more whispers of a wasted life.

Isaiah 9:6

“For to us a child is born…and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

It is when we believe He is not everything that we need that He precisely is.

As I discover my path in the Lord albeit alone I realize it cannot be compared to any one else’s path, for it is my own.

These are the soldiership years.

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Into Space

It’s on my days where I have a lot to do I legitimately want to do nothing.

I can’t believe I have the entire weekend off. I work almost every day next week, so I’m sure that has something to do with it. It’s so easy to just stare off into space these days. Think of nothing, and no one, and just enter the zone. My dreams are quickly forgotten and I fall asleep right after.

We’re doing this thing at work where we create gift baskets for customers to purchase. I made 5 gift baskets yesterday that got put on display and one of my managers said to me, isn’t it a nice feeling when someone wants what you created? Yes, yes it is. 🙂

A lot of people are just ready for Christmas to be here. Let’s get it over with. Or, it’s too much trouble, good thing this is a once a year thing. I don’t know. I don’t really appreciate that negativity. I’m not saying we all need to watch Elf followed by kumbaya and candlelight. But I am saying it’s okay to just be happy.

Is that such a foreign subject?

I’ve kind of been thinking that the key to my own unhappiness can only be that I don’t think God is still God when I don’t like my circumstances. I’m sure Adam and Even may have felt a similar feeling when they were standing buck ass nude in the garden of Eden. Pondering what they’d done…what was to come. Well, what happens next? Is God still God, after all?

I don’t suppose He is. I know He is.

And I think that’s what this whole year has really been about. When you’re world is falling apart and you’re needed but not wanted–is God….God?

I have this feeling in my spirit. No need to rush, it says. It’s the end of the year…let’s not rush. Let’s just stare off into space.

To quote one of my favorite books as a child,

“It’s morning. It’s morning, and there’s so much to see.”

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Just Singin’ in the Rain

I’d be in bed right now if I didn’t have laundry in the washer.

It’s been a busy week for me. I’m working over 30 hours this week, which is pretty good. Work gets busier and busier the closer we get to Christmas. I don’t mind it being busy. I’ve come to realize though that I–and only I–am responsible for my actions. Even when my actions aren’t responsible.

I thought it was weird today how I got on Pinterest (which I often frequent) and saw nothing but an ass load of Nelson Mandela quotes. I don’t think its right that we only talk about influential people when they die. That makes me question how influential they were to begin with, or if they were just a body for a name. I mean, the same goes for Paul Walker. Everyone is talking about what a kind man he was when he was alive–and yeah, he was. But how come we didn’t talk about that then? Like when he was breathing. I don’t know. Just something to keep in mind…people should be loved here and now.

Life’s been weird lately. I’ve been realizing God’s always got a plan b. And plan c. And plan d. Number 23:19 says God is not a man that he should lie. So whatever he has to fulfill for a person, he will. Why? Um…because He’s God. That’s why.

I think about the last guy I loved (deeply) and my parents divorcing. I think of Adam and Even in the garden of Eden. I’m sure God’s original plan was for them to grow old together there and frolic in the forests in love and blessings. However, plans have a way of going awry. Right? Things worked out anyway…but my point is this:

God has a plan B for my life. I didn’t end up with the man of my dreams. My parents didn’t end up together. But…

God. But God man! Think about it. He’s always got a plan B. And if that doesn’t work out, don’t you think he’s got a plan C? I mean we can pitch as many fits as we want but it wont change God and his good intentions.

I confess I have been lonely as of late. I’ve got friends at work and I talk to my mom often and my sister too. I’ve got my kitty Ruby who welcomes me back to my Aunt’s when I get back every day.

But I don’t know man. Someone told me that December is a month of victory. That’s awesome but personally, I’d like to just be over and done with this month.

My fortune cookie the other day said to be relieved because the holidays are almost over. I laughed at that.

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Aches and Pains

I woke up to go to church this morning and I just didn’t have it in me to go. I called up my Grandpa, told him not to pick me up, and attempted to sleep in. Some days you need that. I don’t know if I needed it today or not…but some days I just give up.

There are some things I’m working on letting go of simply because I don’t see any fruit for that which I believe in. Well, I’m trying to let go (isn’t it Yoda who said “Do or do not. There is no try.”?)but it hurts. Maybe in this way I can let go of what I’m supposed to and receive what I’m meant to. This year has been full of aches and pains in and outside of the heart. I feel defeated, but one thing God has mentioned to me several times lately is not to depend on how I feel but on every word of God.

I feel as though I’m working more and more and I’m excited but also stressed. It’s funny how quickly Cost Plus has become a routine for me. I feel like I’ve always worked there when I haven’t. I’m looking to do more at the job and build there. I feel like the Lord has made it so I find favor there, and I’m very blessed for this.

Should I stay or should I go? That’s been a heavy question on my heart lately. I am praying to see if I’m meant to stay in San Diego for a time, and how long that time may be. I really would like to get my own space just so I can have my own room again, and so Ruby (zee kitty) could roam freely. I miss my mom, who lives in Sacramento, but I don’t know if I’ll ever live near her or not. It’s funny how a life just sneaks up on you.

I feel like I avoid mirrors these days. Not because I’m ugly and ratchet. But because I don’t know who this chick is any more! Seriously, the year is almost over and I have no idea. I feel like the person who’s meant to love everyone and give them joy–those are my gifts, love and joy–but who never feels loved in return. I’ve had a reoccurring dream lately. Every time I have it seems really risqué…and probably not something you blog about (lol) but it symbolizes my feelings about life. Tired. Barren. Needing love and release.

But there I go again with my feelings.

The only constant in life is change.