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All is Grace

You can’t set captives free when you’re a prisoner yourself.

How can you heal somebody when you’re the one who needs healing?

I can do nothing without the Lord.

Sometimes I forget things have to get worse before they get better. The icky stuff has to come out so the good stuff can take root. I wish I could think of a Bible verse that supports this theory. I don’t know why but the easiest analogy that comes to mind is the one about snake venom. After a snake bite, the poison has to be sucked out right? Imagine someone sucking on your arm or leg. Totally vampire status but not in a fun Damon-Salvatore type way. It’s just plain icky right? But it has to be done. Why? If the poison doesn’t come out then you die. You’re dead. Like, dead dead. Not just mostly dead.

I think it’s hard for me to talk about myself, to the people who care about me, and even on my blog. Which is kind of silly because that’s one of the reasons I started this thing–to call to remembrance my life and the different happenings in it so I can look back and say oh, yeah, that was God. That was God too. Hey, do you see the pattern here? God’s everywhere. How about that….

A friend recommended I check out Healing House Ministries earlier this week. I knew the Lord wanted me to go for two reasons. Firstly, because the idea of going terrified me, utterly. Secondly, because there’s a Healing House 5 minutes away from my job only available on Thursday nights and conveniently it was a Thursday when I found out about the ministry. So what is it? Basically you go in and get prayer and prophecy and you leave totally blessed. The people there don’t know you. You don’t know them. It’s totally inspired by the Holy Spirit and well…being there made me feel so peaceful. Like I was sleeping after being awake for months and months and months. I was sitting in the waiting room, waiting for prayer (I was 40 minutes early) and I could hear the prayer warriors worshipping Jesus in the room next to me. Telling the Lord how great He was and how they wanted to see Him move. It was really neat to just listen.

When it came time for me to get prayer I think I must’ve seemed like a real mystery to the women praying over me. I didn’t fill out the prior paperwork, so they didn’t know what I was there for. I told them about how I moved here back in August and I’ve been wandering sort of aimlessly. How I’ve had a question on my heart needing answering–yes or no. How I need to know where I’m going. Why the hell I’m here.

The women were very gentle with me. One of them told me the joy of the Lord is my strength. Another told me I had a sweet, sweet spirit only the Lord could give. I was told I’d blossom wherever I am. My confusion would cease, as my faith increased.

So I left relieved…and frustrated. Frustrated for no concretes. No definitives.

And the next day before work I roamed the mall I work at. I realized I didn’t know where a damn thing was. Nothing at all. It was crowded and people kept passing me left and right as I went to Barnes and Noble and Panda Express and everywhere. I just felt overwhelmed. That’s all I got. I went to work feeling my feelings stir up inside of me in all kinds of ways. And after work I got totally shit-faced.

I don’t know how it happened. Okay, I do know how it happened, I won’t lie to you guys. I ended up calling my cousin and she picked me up from the party I was at. She stayed with me when I was sick, and when I wouldn’t stop being sick, she called my aunt and she picked me up. It was really early in the morning. I remember some things. Some things I don’t.

I’ve been calling myself a loser ever since. But the Lord has been stern with me, believe it or not. Now is not the time to call myself a loser. I feel like a dork, sharing this stuff on my blog.

But I’m here to tell you all is grace. I am not a loser. Remember the poison needs to come out for the healing to begin. It can’t just stay in there. Kind of like me and barfing my body weight in alcohol…but you guys don’t need that mental image do you? Oh. Too late.

All is grace. All is grace. All is grace.

Jude 1:21

“…keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.”

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