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“There’s one thing I do know… and that is that I love you, Scarlett. In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you. Because we’re alike. Bad lots, both of us. Selfish and shrewd. But able to look things in the eyes as we call them by their right names.”
-Rhett Butler

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Gregory Peck

A friend told me recently,

This is a season of small things. Starting out small. I came to San Diego with a small amount of money, with a lot of stuff jammed into a small space (Sheila the Shaggin Wagon), with a *small* part-time job and a small church….

with rather large hopes and dreams and desires. It’s a season of small things and I will be content in it. Lord, help me.

I was at church yesterday morning and something Pastor Pete said made a lot of sense. He brought up sympathy and compassion. Now, sympathy is a card. Maybe it’s a Hallmark card, but it’s still a card. Sympathy says, “I’m sorry”. Compassion is different. Compassion says, “You hurt? Then I hurt too. Let me do something about that”. When Jesus lived on the earth he lived with a compassion for all. He didn’t have time for sympathy. Rather, he didn’t make time for it.

I thought about myself this morning. When people enter my life and they hurt, do I hurt too? Is my head too far up my ass to notice what they’re going through?

I thought about certain people who have come and gone and I wondered if they looked at me with compassion or sympathy. I realized, I don’t want either. Is it that I don’t want to be loved with the love of the Lord? Absolutely not. But now, that the year is almost over, and I’ve become numb from life, and my heart begins to thaw again (in winter of all times..), I realize the love I need. A strong love. A love that’s intentional.

The easiest picture I can think of to describe the word “intentional” would be this. You’re sitting in the living room and your family decides to order a pizza for dinner. The pizza comes and you’re delighted. You get off the couch and grab yourself a piece and then return to the couch. After a few minutes you realize that hell–one slice of pizza was just not enough. So what do you do? You get off the couch again and with clear intentions return to the beloved box of pizza and grab another slice (or four, if you’re me).

I was watching Roman Holiday yesterday after I got back from church. I hadn’t seen it in years and I forgot how great it is. I was watching Gregory Peck and how, at the end of the movie he’s separated from the woman he loves. She’s a princess. He’s a journalist. He has the power to ruin her with the pictures he took of them together the day before, but instead of getting off with that, he gives the pictures to the princess and refuses to hurt her with them.

The last scene of the movie is Gregory Peck standing in a room by himself, strutting with his hands in his pockets and a smile on his face. He looks over his shoulder, reminiscing about the woman he used to know, looks forward….

and moves on.

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I Can’t Wait for Cranberry Sauce…

Well, what’s new?

I haven’t been a good blogger this week but that’s okay. My job has had me working a lot of day shifts (yay!) so that means getting up earlier and less motivation to work out, lol. I feel like every morning I wake up and I’m like okay! Elliptical, now! But it doesn’t always work out because I really like sleep and I don’t know what it is about this rain but it keeps me down for the count. It was raining last night, in fact, and I was sitting in my Grandpa’s garage playing the piano as we listened to the rain together.

The Lord has revealed to me that I have purpose here in San Diego. I don’t know what it is but there’s something here to be seen, heard, and learned. This place isn’t just a stopover. Nor is it a forever place. This, too, shall pass. Until that time I need to be busy. What’s next on the agenda? I work part time for Cost Plus and I go to church on Sundays. I go out with my co-workers. I call my mom once a week. But really, what’s next for me?

I need to dig into the Word. I need to hear from the Lord. My hope and my prayer is to find a good Bible study in the near future. I was looking at classes last night and we have a local Art Academy. I’m no artist but it might be good for me to step into the shoes of an artist and see what happens. I don’t know. I’ve really been thinking I need to get my ass in gear and take a class–do something–that will get me on my feet. In the book of Daniel, Daniel was given a time of education for 3 years before his life in the kingdom really took off, working for the Lord and discerning dreams.

I went and saw my friend Jeanne in Escondido yesterday. I hadn’t had my hair cut since August and she was willing to do it for me…for free!!! I was so blessed not only by her hair skills but also by her company. We were sitting at her dining table and I was staring out the window looking at the trees and the sunlight and I told her it was so beautiful out here, I couldn’t believe it. She then told me a story about how years ago she told the Lord she wanted to live somewhere beautiful, specifically on a hillside. It didn’t happen. But one day she was in her living room and she got a hankering to move her furniture around (you see where this is going…) and when she moved her couch across the room and she sat there, she gazed out the window and it hit her–

she was gazing at a hillside. Technically she was downhill from it, rather than uphill, but it was what she wanted. It was a change of perspective.

Blessings to all my friends….

XoXoXo

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A Holy Temple

I don’t really have time to blog this morning but I’m going to shoot for it anyway.

I don’t know what it is about this year, but it’s been hard to take care of myself.

Taking care of myself would include both my spiritual/physical and/or emotional needs.

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your body,” I Corinthians 6:19-20

Especially these last few weeks, I haven’t been very good about this.

Sometimes you don’t want to exercise every day. Or go to sleep on time. Or eat something that isn’t cake. Or drink something that isn’t beer. Or go to church every week. Or…

You get the idea.

I think, and here’s my point (I swear there is one!) that it’s harder to take care of yourself, when you feel like God’s promises to you are void. Or when you feel like there’s no plan for your life. Seriously, because regardless of if you acknowledge it or not, you’re subconsciously saying “What’s the point to anything?” and you’re living with that question.

Some believers think (without realizing they think it) they’re unworthy of the Father’s rest.

Psalm 127:2

“…for he gives to his beloved sleep.”

It’s interesting how some of us are getting our sleep, but not our rest. It’s interesting how some of us are getting our rest, but not our sleep.

I began to dream again this morning. The first time, in awhile. I dreamed of people I used to know and of people I know now. I don’t understand the dreams yet but maybe if the Lord is willing I’ll get discernment for them.

Until then….

I’m off to dance to some Dean Martin.

Blessings to all my friends!

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All is Grace

You can’t set captives free when you’re a prisoner yourself.

How can you heal somebody when you’re the one who needs healing?

I can do nothing without the Lord.

Sometimes I forget things have to get worse before they get better. The icky stuff has to come out so the good stuff can take root. I wish I could think of a Bible verse that supports this theory. I don’t know why but the easiest analogy that comes to mind is the one about snake venom. After a snake bite, the poison has to be sucked out right? Imagine someone sucking on your arm or leg. Totally vampire status but not in a fun Damon-Salvatore type way. It’s just plain icky right? But it has to be done. Why? If the poison doesn’t come out then you die. You’re dead. Like, dead dead. Not just mostly dead.

I think it’s hard for me to talk about myself, to the people who care about me, and even on my blog. Which is kind of silly because that’s one of the reasons I started this thing–to call to remembrance my life and the different happenings in it so I can look back and say oh, yeah, that was God. That was God too. Hey, do you see the pattern here? God’s everywhere. How about that….

A friend recommended I check out Healing House Ministries earlier this week. I knew the Lord wanted me to go for two reasons. Firstly, because the idea of going terrified me, utterly. Secondly, because there’s a Healing House 5 minutes away from my job only available on Thursday nights and conveniently it was a Thursday when I found out about the ministry. So what is it? Basically you go in and get prayer and prophecy and you leave totally blessed. The people there don’t know you. You don’t know them. It’s totally inspired by the Holy Spirit and well…being there made me feel so peaceful. Like I was sleeping after being awake for months and months and months. I was sitting in the waiting room, waiting for prayer (I was 40 minutes early) and I could hear the prayer warriors worshipping Jesus in the room next to me. Telling the Lord how great He was and how they wanted to see Him move. It was really neat to just listen.

When it came time for me to get prayer I think I must’ve seemed like a real mystery to the women praying over me. I didn’t fill out the prior paperwork, so they didn’t know what I was there for. I told them about how I moved here back in August and I’ve been wandering sort of aimlessly. How I’ve had a question on my heart needing answering–yes or no. How I need to know where I’m going. Why the hell I’m here.

The women were very gentle with me. One of them told me the joy of the Lord is my strength. Another told me I had a sweet, sweet spirit only the Lord could give. I was told I’d blossom wherever I am. My confusion would cease, as my faith increased.

So I left relieved…and frustrated. Frustrated for no concretes. No definitives.

And the next day before work I roamed the mall I work at. I realized I didn’t know where a damn thing was. Nothing at all. It was crowded and people kept passing me left and right as I went to Barnes and Noble and Panda Express and everywhere. I just felt overwhelmed. That’s all I got. I went to work feeling my feelings stir up inside of me in all kinds of ways. And after work I got totally shit-faced.

I don’t know how it happened. Okay, I do know how it happened, I won’t lie to you guys. I ended up calling my cousin and she picked me up from the party I was at. She stayed with me when I was sick, and when I wouldn’t stop being sick, she called my aunt and she picked me up. It was really early in the morning. I remember some things. Some things I don’t.

I’ve been calling myself a loser ever since. But the Lord has been stern with me, believe it or not. Now is not the time to call myself a loser. I feel like a dork, sharing this stuff on my blog.

But I’m here to tell you all is grace. I am not a loser. Remember the poison needs to come out for the healing to begin. It can’t just stay in there. Kind of like me and barfing my body weight in alcohol…but you guys don’t need that mental image do you? Oh. Too late.

All is grace. All is grace. All is grace.

Jude 1:21

“…keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.”

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The Hooters

She was a be-bop baby on a hard day’s night
She was hangin’ on Johnny, he was holdin’ on tight
I could feel her coming from a mile away
There was no use talking, there was nothing to say
When the band began to play and play
And we danced like a wave on the ocean, romanced
We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance
And we danced, danced, danced
I met my be-bop baby at the Union Hall
She could dance all night and shake the paint off the walls
But when I saw her smile across a crowded room, yeah
Well I knew we’d have to leave the party soon
As the band began to play out of tune
And we danced like a wave on the ocean, romanced
We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance
And we danced, danced, danced, yeah and we danced
The endless beat, she’s walkin’ my way
Hear the music fade when she says
Are we getting too close, do we care to get closer
The room is spinning as she whispers my name
And we danced like a wave on the ocean, romanced
We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance
And we danced, danced
And we danced like a wave on the ocean, romanced
We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance
And we danced, danced, danced
And we danced and we danced
And we danced, oh baby
And we danced, danced, danced
Oh and we danced
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Trust

Sometimes….

I need to die to my desires. I need to say Lord, you are good. I can accept my life without him/it/her.

I have a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11) without so and so.

I have to die to what I want because if I don’t….

I’ll never love God for being himself. And who is that?

God. Just God.

Jeremiah 33:3 says, “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”

You don’t want to live because you see what you want and you want to live for that. But you must live. You must abide, and flourish, and grow. Be nurtured and be fed. Cry the silent tears or cry the messy ones. But choose to have a song of praise in your heart.

This is my story, this is my song,
praising my Savior all the day long.
This is my story, this is my song,
praising my Savior all the day long.

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Psalm 39:4

My Grandpa is a veteran. This morning he picked up me and my cousin, Theresa, and we went to the zoo.
 This is us getting ready for the train ride. I love this picture!

Mommy giraffes carry their babies for 14-15 months before delivery (damn! right?). When the baby giraffe is born (like this one) it’s at least 6 ft. tall. Wow, it’s never easy being a mom, is it?


This little dude is a relative to the javelina. Isn’t he cute?

Vultures being…uh, vultures.

OK, I hate this picture because it’s NOT a good angle for me, however, I would like to point out I rode that ostrich like a champ.

What else? Let’s see…

I’m thinking of taking the train to see my mom in January. She gave me this really good scripture earlier that I want to share with you guys.

Jeremiah 32:39

I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear me forever, for their own good and the good of their children after them.

I know what this means to me. So I seek the Lord, and pray some more. I can’t wait to have children!

Did you know that when meerkats get together they’re called a mob? Lol 🙂

Unashamedly, I’ve had Beez in the Trap stuck in my head going on two days now.

I hate that gummy sound your eye makes when you rub it.

Well, I smell like In N’ Out burgers. It’s hard to believe that after a good day it’s time to get ready for work, but so I shall.

“Show me, LORD, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life is.”

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Soldiership Years

These are the soldiership years.

I read that in a devotional earlier this year and I don’t think any truer statement has ever been said.

Twice now I’ve been given the same Word, at different times, in different places. I believe it is a prophetic Word that comes from the Lord. Three years. Whatever it is, it is the Lord who’s done it, and it will be brought to completion in a total of three years. I believe I’m in the 2nd year right now.

What does it mean?

I have some crazy ideas. Not just crazy, but batshit crazy. I know in my heart what I think it means. I’m scared. I’m tired. I miss my mom. I don’t miss Arizona one bit but there are moments I miss. I miss driving early in the morning and being practically the only one on the freeway. I miss the mist of the evening that settled in the dark. I miss the quiet.

What do I need?

I need intellectual stimulation. I’m working and going to church and abiding but I need and have a hunger for the intellectual. Now where do I get it?

Psalm 22; Daniel 1; Leviticus 19

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So I’m laying here watching episode after episode of Criminal Minds and I’m so glad to be home!

I know my Aunt’s house is just a stopover for me on this journey called life but I’m thankful. I’m thankful to have a couch to lay on while my brain turns into mashed potatoes and my eyes begin to feel heavy and it gets colder outside and my breathing slows.

It seems like life is just a bunch of little deaths. I know I’m not the only one who thinks so. I’ve been lost in the wilderness of confusion lately. I’ve been sad.

But into a season I go where the labor is needed, praising the Lord is required, and its time to stop thinking. I’m in boot camp. I’m in Hell. But no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much it brings me discomfort, the Lord will set me free. I cannot set myself free. I make the attempts but it is out of my control.

My dreams are at a pause and for now, I sleep. And when I sleep, I sleep some more.

I had two days off this week. Work is getting busier and I’m getting more stressed out when I’m there. I have to remind myself to praise the Lord when I feel frustrated or like a jackass. Retail is retail. I have a paycheck, thank you Lord. I love my co-workers. They are sweeties 🙂

Tomorrow is going to be a good day!