Lately, life’s got me feelin’ just plain tired.
I’m not recovered from being sick yet but I’m hoping I’m past the worst of it now. Yesterday was the worst day of it so far, with having to take my runny nose and fever infected self to work and have a million people pulling on me just to come home and attempt to take good care of myself. I guess the first step to being an adult is um….not being one.
I’m having a hard time discovering my place at work. By place I mean identity. I’m not sure who I am at my job….and I’m not sure who I am in San Diego. A lot has happened this year. I left Arizona when my parents divorced and I ended up out here and now….now that the bad dreams are less and less and I’m *settled* I just don’t know. I think of the people I hold dearest in my heart and wonder if now or even a couple years from now they’d even know me. I feel so far from them.
For awhile now it’s like I’ve been on the lonely trail with Jesus, camping out every night with a fire before us and the stars above us. There’s been this transition from camp fires to steady walking….walking, walking, and more walking in the wilderness. I’m not sure what were doing out here Lord. I’m not sure what you want from me. I’m not sure who I am. I feel disappointed. I feel hurt. Why do you allow the things you do? Why is it the moment we come to revelation of your promises is the exact same moment we relapse into these wretched creatures? It’s like I’ll do everything in my power to make sure that good thing doesn’t come to pass.
I don’t know. I like my job. I like my co-workers. We joke around about smoking and drinking and whatever and I try to remind myself to just be me and don’t try to impress but more and more I forget who I am and I just feel tired. Sometimes I’ll just be talking to someone I know and it’s like I leave my body and I’m watching it happen. I’m watching myself laugh and talk. Talk about moving here and not knowing where anything is. I leave my body and I watch myself and other people and time just…