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Restless

I woke up this morning just totally restless. My mind is buzzing and as usual, once I wake up in the morning, I’m up for good.

Tomorrow is my interview for the grocery store. I know my God goes before me. I keep thinking what if they ask me this question or this question? What will I say? Shouldn’t I be mentally preparing myself? It’s almost like I haven’t been worrying about it at all and now I find myself thinking oh, you’ve got 24 hours to worry about getting this job until your blue in the face and batshit crazy so you might wanna get on that.

My God goes before me. He leads me. It is not I who leads, but it is him.

What is it with this nagging feeling like I always have to have one up on God? I live in constant fear of a surprise party. I need to know what’s going to happen next with who and where and how. Now that I’m here in California, I’m honestly not sure where I want to end up or what I’m meant to be doing. Every time I think I’ve decided I want to do–teacher, beautician, receptionist at a tattoo parlor–God kind of nudges me and says, “you’re meant for more” and I can only imagine what that is.

I’m living with my aunt right now and my three cousins. I’m about a half hour away from where my mom is, so I get to see her sometimes in the middle of the week or on the weekends. I am divinely positioned, however feeling like a spiritual nomad, if you will. Everything I use is lent. My cousin is graciously lending me her bedroom. I go to see my mom and she lends me her pants when I forget mine (yes I forget pants…). Where do I want to end up? I’m just not sure yet. Being with my dad’s family is a comfortable place to be. And being with my mom is like being held up to a mirror, seeing who you really are up against the world.

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