Hard and Fast

It became a routine, this pushing and pulling.

I do not serve a God who cannot sympathize with my weaknesses, Hebrews 4:15.

I am weak.

The days go by hard and fast but never ceasing to remind me of how far I’ve come. I am not in Arizona any more. I will not be going back. I have been redeemed from careless, silly situations with boys that I’ve volunteered to be in. I am settling into California. With that being said, I will not settle for anything but that which I am made for.

Recently, I began a job, and then, I quit. Not very like me. I do not quit anything. But then again, I’m not sure what I’m like any more. It just wasn’t for me. At first, going into it, it seemed this God-given answer to prayer. Money, sustenance, purpose, something to actually do. But it totally wasn’t for me. I cannot justify that to anyone. I do not need to. So, back to the drawing board, praying please Lord, bring me into a likeable job. Preferably one that gives me a discount on product, and ok’s facial piercings. Amen, amen.

My God is not ashamed to be my God. If he has called me to be weak, so I am. He is strong. And one thing I know is this–mercy outweighs judgment. I will not be convinced otherwise and yet sadly, others have tried.

The days come hard and fast.


Pushing and Pulling

You never know when the spirit of blogging will come upon you.

Right now,  I’m just warming up for my daily work out….by drinking French roast.

I don’t really know what’s going on right now. God has been telling me over and over that I don’t understand because I do not see what’s going on behind the scenes. I’ve been given Isaiah 55:8 more than a few times this past week, and I know it’s just God gracefully reproofing me for feeling sorry for myself at times, and, to know that his ways really are higher than my ways. I can’t imagine what he’s up to.

If someone were to ask me what I was doing now, what God is doing in my life, preparing me for, I’m afraid I’d say “nothing”. I can’t say that, because that would be a lie. When has God ever been up to nothing, just watching Fringe with a couple bottles of Redd’s at his side?

I don’t know what I can say. God has put me in this place of silence. The voices around me are quiet, and now it is my turn.

There’s a verse in Philippians 2 that says to work out your own salvation with much fear and trembling. I kind of feel like that’s where I am right now. To be honest, being 21 is way better than being 20 for a few reasons I won’t mention, but those of you who know me, can easily figure out. 🙂
I’ve never been more anxiety driven than I am now and yet I know it is not for me to declare my needs to God. It is only for me to be silent, and still (Exodus 14:14, also She’s All That).

I’ve been writing again lately. Not just journaling, but really writing. I haven’t written like it since I was in college. It’s relieving, when this spirit comes upon me from I know not where. It’s kind of cool to see the mass of your brain–all its grey and spongy matter, simply written in one page.



I woke up this morning just totally restless. My mind is buzzing and as usual, once I wake up in the morning, I’m up for good.

Tomorrow is my interview for the grocery store. I know my God goes before me. I keep thinking what if they ask me this question or this question? What will I say? Shouldn’t I be mentally preparing myself? It’s almost like I haven’t been worrying about it at all and now I find myself thinking oh, you’ve got 24 hours to worry about getting this job until your blue in the face and batshit crazy so you might wanna get on that.

My God goes before me. He leads me. It is not I who leads, but it is him.

What is it with this nagging feeling like I always have to have one up on God? I live in constant fear of a surprise party. I need to know what’s going to happen next with who and where and how. Now that I’m here in California, I’m honestly not sure where I want to end up or what I’m meant to be doing. Every time I think I’ve decided I want to do–teacher, beautician, receptionist at a tattoo parlor–God kind of nudges me and says, “you’re meant for more” and I can only imagine what that is.

I’m living with my aunt right now and my three cousins. I’m about a half hour away from where my mom is, so I get to see her sometimes in the middle of the week or on the weekends. I am divinely positioned, however feeling like a spiritual nomad, if you will. Everything I use is lent. My cousin is graciously lending me her bedroom. I go to see my mom and she lends me her pants when I forget mine (yes I forget pants…). Where do I want to end up? I’m just not sure yet. Being with my dad’s family is a comfortable place to be. And being with my mom is like being held up to a mirror, seeing who you really are up against the world.